Shutting Down...for now.

Hello faithful readers (are there any of you?). After some careful consideration and reflection, I've decided to stop the MILFproject blog (for now).

The blog was starting to feel like one more person I need to be accountable to--and that's the whole opposite of my goal here. My weightloss journey needs to be about me, only me, and being accountable to myself and myself only. I've been dreading making posts, even on good days, because it forced me to focus too much on the food and the weightloss. My real goal in all of this is to find a way for food to play merely a supporting role in my life, so I can focus on actually LIVING. I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders as soon as I decided to stop blogging.

My journey doesn't end here, I just need to take an (indefinite) break from documenting it.

Day 18

Another good day! Maybe not my best, but still wayyyyy better than where I've been. It was a crazy hectic day, so I decided to keep it simple--protein and fruit. While I probably didn't have the best balance today (no veggies...unless I could the celery in my chicken salad), it still was an in-control day. As soon as non-binge eating becomes a habit, I can focus more on what I'm actually eating to make sure I get the most nutrients for my body. Starting tomorrow I'm participating in a Biggest Loser competition with some friends. I would SO love to win (for the $$, and to prove to myself that I can do it!).

What I ate
Breakfast-Hard boiled egg on toast
Lunch- Chicken salad, nectarine, and a few bites of buttered egg noodles (I was SO craving something carb-y, so I had a few bites, then I decided I could come up with a better way to fix the craving).
Snack 1- Sweet potato
Dinner- Roast turkey
Snack 2- No sugar added ice cream (only 2 scoops!)

How I moved
Nothing formal today. Running around after kids, cleaning, mopping floors...but I have to get the real workouts in.

Day 17

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Day 16

It's been a GREAT two days. It's been easy. Of course that's the irony of writing yesterday about how difficult this is. Maybe the secret is taking it one day at a time, if I stack enough easy days together, this whole process will feel easy. Maybe. I'm looking forward to stepping on the scale in a few days.

What I ate
Breakfast- A few bites of cottage cheese, then I decided it wasn't doing it. So I switched to a hard boiled egg on a slice of whole wheat toast. Better.
Lunch- Chicken fajita and a delicious nectarine
Snack 1- Apple with peanut butter
Dinner- Beef stroganoff over cauliflower (instead of egg noodles...see, easy), and peas.
Snack 2- I didn't have it yet, but I'm thinking it will be a handful or two of nut/craisin trail mix.

How I moved
Not much. I'm letting the knee heal, but I did get up and about to do a lot of cleaning, straightening, and organizing. Tomorrow I'm going to try to do something that constitutes exercise.

Days 13, 14 & 15.

More of the same. More of not watching what I'm eating--probably more like eating with reckless abandon.

Today I recommit. It feels like Groundhog's Day. But I have two choices--keep trying to get healthy, or die. For me, the choice is obvious.

I don't have a role model in this. My mom was an amazing mom in all other areas of life--but she fought her own demons when it came to food. What I have is 30ish years of memories of a mom on one crash diet or another. What I know is that I will not--I can not--repeat that for my daughter. That much is clear. What I don't know is how. So, I keep trying. The saying goes: Insanity is doing the same things over and over, and expecting different results. Clearly, I'm insane. But I keep trying. And one day, trying will turn into doing, and then it will be easy.

Easy. In my mind this is so easy: Eat healthy foods, lose weight. I like healthy foods. I like feeling good. I like fitting in form fitting clothes. I even love working out.

But it's not easy, for me. Nope. For me this is very hard. It is hard because I don't want to have to think about what I eat. I want to be able to eat whatever I want and be thin. It's not so much that I want to be able to eat whatever I want--I want to be able to eat what I want if I want to eat it. And the fear of not being able to eat what I want to eat makes me want to eat it all the time. Does that even make sense? So now I put that out there. Hopefully I can move on from it. Hopefully now I can make better choices--the choices that will get me to my end goal.

So, I'm recommitted. I've had a good day so far. I'm off to the orthopedist to see what's going on with my knee. Tomorrow I'll get back to posting what I ate and how I moved.

Keep on keepin' on.

Days 11 & 12.

I'm not giving up, but I'm not on track. My knee is killing me, and to top it off I've had car problems and back to school stuff to run around and accomplish.

I have to find balance. I grew up with a mom who was on some-crash-diet-or-another for as long as I can remember. I don't want to be that mom, so I have to find balance. I don't know how, but I just have to.

I know what balance isn't.

It isn't eating a candy bar while waiting for my car to get fixed.

It isn't eating nothing when my whole family wants to go out to dinner where there are no healthy choices.

But what IS it?

Still searching....

Day 10

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