More of the same. More of not watching what I'm eating--probably more like eating with reckless abandon.
Today I recommit. It feels like Groundhog's Day. But I have two choices--keep trying to get healthy, or die. For me, the choice is obvious.
I don't have a role model in this. My mom was an amazing mom in all other areas of life--but she fought her own demons when it came to food. What I have is 30ish years of memories of a mom on one crash diet or another. What I know is that I will not--I can not--repeat that for my daughter. That much is clear. What I don't know is how. So, I keep trying. The saying goes: Insanity is doing the same things over and over, and expecting different results. Clearly, I'm insane. But I keep trying. And one day, trying will turn into doing, and then it will be easy.
Easy. In my mind this is so easy: Eat healthy foods, lose weight. I like healthy foods. I like feeling good. I like fitting in form fitting clothes. I even love working out.
But it's not easy, for me. Nope. For me this is very hard. It is hard because I don't want to have to think about what I eat. I want to be able to eat whatever I want and be thin. It's not so much that I want to be able to eat whatever I want--I want to be able to eat what I want if I want to eat it. And the fear of not being able to eat what I want to eat makes me want to eat it all the time. Does that even make sense? So now I put that out there. Hopefully I can move on from it. Hopefully now I can make better choices--the choices that will get me to my end goal.
So, I'm recommitted. I've had a good day so far. I'm off to the orthopedist to see what's going on with my knee. Tomorrow I'll get back to posting what I ate and how I moved.
Keep on keepin' on.
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